After a year of taking care of my grandmother suffering from stroke-induced dementia, my mother and I started to resent my uncle and his family for not helping as much as we thought they should. My uncle’s family would visit once a week to say hello to my grandmother and bring her some snacks, but my mother and I needed their additional help during the week and for more than an hour. However, having tough, confrontational conversations with anyone was against my uncle and mother’s stoic nature.

Nevertheless, taking care of my grandmother alone was starting to become more than we could handle. And when my grandmother injured her leg and became bed ridden, we knew we couldn’t wait any longer. We were upset that they couldn’t see we needed help and that they would not take us very seriously when we asked for help.

Although my mother would bring up the idea of my uncle spending more time with my grandmother, he never seemed to truly comprehend how exhausting it could be. On Thanksgiving, my mother and I asked them to come over for dinner, and we set the time for early in the afternoon so that they could experience what my grandmother was like for more than one hour. The day started out like any other visit. My grandmother would get excited by new visitors and would be very sweet and kind, but after several hours, the novelty wore off and she began to act a bit more confused and angry. Finally it got to the point where my mother, as well as my uncle’s entire family was helping to change her diaper.

I understand this is not the most direct way to communicate a point of view. However, one of the hardest parts about getting through to someone is the ability to translate your experience into something more than a story. Everyone can listen, but being able to empathize with someone’s situation takes a mutual level of understanding and awareness. Sometimes, it takes either stepping into their shoes or having them step into yours to help them see that.

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